Over the weekend was my first OCS drill. The experience as a whole was positive and not overly painful. The last day of drill, Sunday, was thankfully a half day. About 10am that morning we formed up for a change of command of our platoon. We have a total of 9 officer candidates in our platoon with the average age of 30. We have gotten to know each other pretty well over the weekend. So as we formed up for the change of command I learned that I was picked as the next Platoon leader; only God knows why.
Let put this in perspective for a moment. I am the one candidate with the least experience. I don't think I did anything to stand out. In fact most of the time I felt like I was drowning in a sea of information, regulation, and exercise. I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water! Many other candidates are far more qualified than me to take the position. Needless to say that the candidate leadership stands out. Now at any military training "standing out" is not a good thing. It leaves you open to all sorts of pain and anguish. These usually come in the form of yelling and push-ups.
When they announced the new chain of command I completely deflated. The last hour of class I felt more self-doubt than ever in my life. On 3 separate occasions I felt like quiting. In this kind of environment, that is a big deal! So I got through the rest of the day and went home at noon.
When I laid down in bed I felt like crying. Ive been on the verge ever since I got home. I don't know if its from the anxiety I feel that I might fail, let my fellow candidates down, or that I realize that this is a massive turning point in my life and sink or swim it will determine how I lead the rest of my life. On the other hand maybe I am more emotional because things are going so well. This is what I wanted to do. Is is a goal that I set for myself. And I know, like all things, I just need to stick with it and continue to succeed. I have certainly been blessed this last year through no "fault" of my own. There is no denying that!
I can see how easy it would be just to "DOR" (army version of quit) and walk away. Then again I really want this and somewhere in the back of my mind I know it won't be that bad. But If I want it that bad why do I struggle so? I mentioned to someone that I am a perfectionist. In actuality I have performance anxiety. I fear failure. I have never been good at messing up then getting back in the saddle. At OCS I will need to be able to mess up and not flinch for one second! There is a 100% chance that I will fail at one aspect of this assignment or another. That is called learning. I understand that when I think logically. I am too hard on myself and what happens is I shut down. When I mess up or fail completely I turn away and and I don't know the process of getting back in the game.
The goal is to overcome my doubt. I am human and I will make mistakes. I must realize that I am willing to make those mistakes and submit to the learning process. It will only make me stronger. I am there to succeed or die trying. They will have to force me out because quiting is not an option. To succeed I need to bury myself not in doubt but study of my duties. I need to become more fluent in the procedures and policies that I have been taught so far. I need to also become an expert in the subjects to be covered in our next drill which is only just over 2 weeks away!
Now this post is kinda for me really to work out my thoughts. It helps me to write it out so I can understand the cause and effect. You are welcome to comment of course but don't worry about it too much. Does that make sense? (for Aaron...hehe)
Let put this in perspective for a moment. I am the one candidate with the least experience. I don't think I did anything to stand out. In fact most of the time I felt like I was drowning in a sea of information, regulation, and exercise. I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water! Many other candidates are far more qualified than me to take the position. Needless to say that the candidate leadership stands out. Now at any military training "standing out" is not a good thing. It leaves you open to all sorts of pain and anguish. These usually come in the form of yelling and push-ups.
When they announced the new chain of command I completely deflated. The last hour of class I felt more self-doubt than ever in my life. On 3 separate occasions I felt like quiting. In this kind of environment, that is a big deal! So I got through the rest of the day and went home at noon.
When I laid down in bed I felt like crying. Ive been on the verge ever since I got home. I don't know if its from the anxiety I feel that I might fail, let my fellow candidates down, or that I realize that this is a massive turning point in my life and sink or swim it will determine how I lead the rest of my life. On the other hand maybe I am more emotional because things are going so well. This is what I wanted to do. Is is a goal that I set for myself. And I know, like all things, I just need to stick with it and continue to succeed. I have certainly been blessed this last year through no "fault" of my own. There is no denying that!
I can see how easy it would be just to "DOR" (army version of quit) and walk away. Then again I really want this and somewhere in the back of my mind I know it won't be that bad. But If I want it that bad why do I struggle so? I mentioned to someone that I am a perfectionist. In actuality I have performance anxiety. I fear failure. I have never been good at messing up then getting back in the saddle. At OCS I will need to be able to mess up and not flinch for one second! There is a 100% chance that I will fail at one aspect of this assignment or another. That is called learning. I understand that when I think logically. I am too hard on myself and what happens is I shut down. When I mess up or fail completely I turn away and and I don't know the process of getting back in the game.
The goal is to overcome my doubt. I am human and I will make mistakes. I must realize that I am willing to make those mistakes and submit to the learning process. It will only make me stronger. I am there to succeed or die trying. They will have to force me out because quiting is not an option. To succeed I need to bury myself not in doubt but study of my duties. I need to become more fluent in the procedures and policies that I have been taught so far. I need to also become an expert in the subjects to be covered in our next drill which is only just over 2 weeks away!
Now this post is kinda for me really to work out my thoughts. It helps me to write it out so I can understand the cause and effect. You are welcome to comment of course but don't worry about it too much. Does that make sense? (for Aaron...hehe)
posted by Adam at 1:55 PM
3 Comments:
Writing is good. Prayer, study, and pressing forward with faith is the path to success. Yes you will make mistakes, sometimes the same mistake a couple of times, but respond with confidence. You will make it. You can have your dream. The Lord wants to bless you, let Him.
Sincerely with Love,
Mom
I think the trick is to not take yourself too seriously. The objective is to slow things down. You respond slowly, talk slowly and your emotions will follow suit. It's a game. I bet 99% of the test is keeping the emotions in check and relying on your help to keep track of each situation. Use your team--play the game. Stay cool and collected. You can't control what happens, you can only control how you respond. They already know that, they are trying to figure out if you know it.
good point!
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