Maybe a little trip back in time for dad.

Over the weekend was my first OCS drill. The experience as a whole was positive and not overly painful. The last day of drill, Sunday, was thankfully a half day. About 10am that morning we formed up for a change of command of our platoon. We have a total of 9 officer candidates in our platoon with the average age of 30. We have gotten to know each other pretty well over the weekend. So as we formed up for the change of command I learned that I was picked as the next Platoon leader; only God knows why.

Let put this in perspective for a moment. I am the one candidate with the least experience. I don't think I did anything to stand out. In fact most of the time I felt like I was drowning in a sea of information, regulation, and exercise. I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water! Many other candidates are far more qualified than me to take the position. Needless to say that the candidate leadership stands out. Now at any military training "standing out" is not a good thing. It leaves you open to all sorts of pain and anguish. These usually come in the form of yelling and push-ups.

When they announced the new chain of command I completely deflated. The last hour of class I felt more self-doubt than ever in my life. On 3 separate occasions I felt like quiting. In this kind of environment, that is a big deal! So I got through the rest of the day and went home at noon.

When I laid down in bed I felt like crying. Ive been on the verge ever since I got home. I don't know if its from the anxiety I feel that I might fail, let my fellow candidates down, or that I realize that this is a massive turning point in my life and sink or swim it will determine how I lead the rest of my life. On the other hand maybe I am more emotional because things are going so well. This is what I wanted to do. Is is a goal that I set for myself. And I know, like all things, I just need to stick with it and continue to succeed. I have certainly been blessed this last year through no "fault" of my own. There is no denying that!

I can see how easy it would be just to "DOR" (army version of quit) and walk away. Then again I really want this and somewhere in the back of my mind I know it won't be that bad. But If I want it that bad why do I struggle so? I mentioned to someone that I am a perfectionist. In actuality I have performance anxiety. I fear failure. I have never been good at messing up then getting back in the saddle. At OCS I will need to be able to mess up and not flinch for one second! There is a 100% chance that I will fail at one aspect of this assignment or another. That is called learning. I understand that when I think logically. I am too hard on myself and what happens is I shut down. When I mess up or fail completely I turn away and and I don't know the process of getting back in the game.

The goal is to overcome my doubt. I am human and I will make mistakes. I must realize that I am willing to make those mistakes and submit to the learning process. It will only make me stronger. I am there to succeed or die trying. They will have to force me out because quiting is not an option. To succeed I need to bury myself not in doubt but study of my duties. I need to become more fluent in the procedures and policies that I have been taught so far. I need to also become an expert in the subjects to be covered in our next drill which is only just over 2 weeks away!

Now this post is kinda for me really to work out my thoughts. It helps me to write it out so I can understand the cause and effect. You are welcome to comment of course but don't worry about it too much. Does that make sense? (for Aaron...hehe)

This weekend is the first of 3, zero phase, drills. I will repeat this type of drill again in November and December with the federal OCS starting in January in Alabama.

I'm having Aaron over to help me get my gear squared away and looking like I know what I'm doing. I will feel better when I get the welcome letter via e-mail some time this afternoon. That way I will have a better idea of what to expect and know what to bring.

The Monday after drill is an important event. An investigator is coming over to the house to interview me for my security clearance. I am not overly concerned about it but your thoughts and prayers that all will go well would be greatly appreciated.

The goal here is to be able to get the clearance so I can get my commission. Thats the plan and the prayer.

There is the latest and greatest!

I will let you know how everything goes when I get back and have my interview early Monday morning.

I think Andy sent me the link to the Zaragoza Toros website. Its the website for the DOD school on base.

Anyway, here are a few pages. Can you find goober 1 & 2? 1988 and 87...what fun!

Have fun!!


Here is the link:

http://www.zaragozatoros.com/index.htm

Ive been watching the PBS series "The War" the last few nights.

Tonight a Japanese veteran was being interviewed. He was in his 80's with bags under his eyes and he started a few of his remarks with "why".

"Why, I never saw such a thing"

"Why, men were running every which way."

All that was left for him to do was laugh and It would have been perfect. I could see Grandpa sitting in his chair telling a bad joke about peeing in the corner of a round barn and laughing with those sharp eyes.

"I lived a great life" the WWII vet said and then went on to say that "at times something was missing and I would find myself pulled back in (to the war)..."

Combat is intense, powerful, intimidating, and visceral. Surviving that combat or any such action sometimes results in equally powerful mixed emotions. Trying to wrap your head around the insane violence, and senseless death of friends; the friend that was just standing beside you can be all consuming.

Coming home and instantly surrounded by the people and things you dreamed about for so long is also a mixed bag. To the veterans, our rushing about for such trivial things is ridiculous. They are happy to see those they care about yet feel alone in their feelings and experiences. "Normal" life can seem agonizingly slow. The high tension is missing, along with the incredibly strong friendships forged in battle.


I wrote those paragraphs a few months ago while I was watching the PBS special on WWII. Tonight on Nightline was a story about a platoon in Afghanistan and their effort to fight enemy forces in some of the same parts of the country that Aaron was in during his time there.

I was struck by the intensity of the situation. The comradery among the platoon was plain to see and breaks your heart when you watch the men deal with the death of one of their own. The short report brought Aaron's ordeal very very close to home. Watching the show and realizing that Aaron was in that position who knows how many times floods you with the same sense of anxiety and stress we all felt while he was in country.

The unthinkable happens to families around us everyday. The more public ritual starts with "May we come in" and ends with "On behalf of a greatful nation". The private agony and longing never ends for many. As a family we hunkered down and waited for that dangerous and subtle game of prayer, fasting, faith, and luck on one side and fate, and free will on the other to play itself out and find balance with the desires of our father in heaven.

I am completely humbled to the core at the blessings we have received. While I am thankful that he came back well, I am reminded of those that are still out there trudging up and down the hills, valleys, and neighborhoods of foreign lands trying to get the job done so they can come home.

So now that Aaron is back Im glad that all he has to deal with is the suddenly mundane and boring.